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How To Move Assembled Ikea Furniture With A Mustang

Posted on: February 7th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan

Simple answer: Don’t. Don’t ever even think about it. It won’t work. It’s impossible. The idea of buying a used dresser from Kijiji and moving it in a Mustang defies physics.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “What do you mean it didn’t fit?” Well, here we go. My girlfriend and I wanted a 3 drawer dresser for the spare bedroom. She found one on Kijiji and asked if I would pick it up. I thought it was a smaller 3 drawer dresser. It was not.

Part of the male mindset made me think that I could still make it fit. The Mustang has wide doors, the front seat pulls up pretty far, and in my defense, at different times I’ve had a 46 inch television, a wall mural picture, a few massive suitcases, and three guitars in cases in that back seat. So I figured I’d give it a go.

The woman I bought it from was pretty great. She helped me carry the dresser down. After realizing it was difficult to hold with the drawers in, I took them out and placed them in the car. Now, with the dresser empty, I was free to attempt to fit the dresser into the car. Which quickly became the adult version of shoving a square peg through a round hole, only on a much larger scale. To the people driving by, I must have looked like a dog trying to carry a stick inside that won’t fit through the door. After finally giving up, I pulled the empty dresser that was a quarter of the way into my car, back out to place on the sidewalk. And that’s when the side supports broke.

Yup, I had already paid for this dresser, and now I had TWO pieces of broken support slats. Epic fail. Not only was it broken, I couldn’t take it with me. I had to carry the empty dresser, sans drawers, back upstairs to her apartment so I could come back with a different vehicle. Now I drove home with three drawers in the car, which is not a full dresser. I knew I had two broken slats as well, so I stopped into Ikea. Did you know they have a TON of those on hand? Like baseball bats in an MLB dugout, I saw him pull two slats from the shelves in the back. And they were FREE!

I finally got the dresser and patched it up. So, suck it, universe! I made the impossible, possible again and FIXED a piece of Ikea furniture! I’ll be teaching a workshop this spring about it. It will cost $500 cash, but I give you an allen key.

Our Sizes Fit Differently: The Joy of Shopping.

Posted on: February 4th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


Most men don’t like shopping. I’m no exception. I would love to go shopping if the mall was empty, and an automatic checkout replaced every employee. I’m just tired of dealing with vanity sizing, and employees that have no human life skills.

I’m sure this has happened to everybody before. You know what size you are, and you go into a store, grab a pair of pants and then oddly enough they fit like clown pants or a sausage casing. This happened to me, and when I said, “I’m usually a 32.” I was told, “Well, our sizes fit differently.” Really? …Really? How arrogant does a store have to be to change the sizes of the universe? The number is 32! You can’t just change 32 as you see fit.

If I went into Home Depot and asked them to cut me a 32 inch 2×4, and they cut it 30 inches and said, “Our cuts are different here,” I would NEVER pay for that. If you’re going to change a universal size, why even use a number? You’re making shit up anyway, you might as well go all out. “Excuse me, do you have this in a size oxygen? I used to be a size lasagna, but I lost some weight recently.”

Get your shit together retail stores. This bothers me, and I can’t imagine what it does to the already fragile adolescent female psyche while shopping. It’s to the point that you’re confusing women so much that they don’t ever want to come out of the change room. Women will try on a million things, but never come out and show you. Instead, they poke their head out like the Guard of The Emerald City of Oz, and you have to go to them. It messes with people’s minds when you change the sizing on them. A size that normally fits, ends up with a mild panic attack. “Look how tight this shirt is. You can see my nipples. And look at my belly. There’s NO way I’m buying this!”

I can’t imagine the social pressures that women face with regards to image. This is one of those cases I’m glad to be a man. In the same situation, I’ll jump out of a change room and proudly exclaim, “Look how tight this shirt is! You can see my nipples! And look at this belly! Haha… I’m totally buying this.”

Okay, I probably wouldn’t buy it. But you get the idea.

And for the love of cripes, can somebody please teach retail employees how humans ACTUALLY interact with one another? I was trying on jackets at Danier Leather, and the employee asked how we were doing today. Then, as if I was a mute, she kept asking my girlfriend questions aimed at me:

“What is he looking for today?”“How does he like this jacket?”

“Is he looking for a particular style?”

After trying to avoid this employee for fifteen minutes, my girlfriend, who has the patience of a monk, almost yelled, “Why don’t you ask HIM?!”

Part of me felt like I was in the opposite role of that shopping scene in Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts. It was one of those scenarios where the retail employees hound you so much that you leave the store. That’s the most powerful you can feel in a store, is throwing down clothes and saying, “Yeah, I’m done here.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Winners.

Posted From My iPhone

Posted on: February 3rd, 2014 by brendanmckeigan

I’m currently sitting at the back of the room at Absolute Comedy, waiting to close out the Open Mic Monday show. Then I realized I didn’t write something for today. I’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out how to access my admin page from my phone.

Apparently I’m not as technologically savvy as I thought. But now I know! So I can type until my thumbs are sore! Which is now.

Kidding. But on a totally unrelated topic, there is a girl at this show who won’t shut up. She’s not in the best of shape, and she’s wearing an Andre the Giant, black, one shoulder shirt, and her boob is pouring out. I’d say popping, but that would be a lie. She walked by and it was pouring into her armpit. Seriously ladies, tuck that shit in.

And please don’t give me flack for that, there’s appropriate attire to wear, and dressing like an 80′s wrestler isn’t it for anybody.

Anywho, I have to go. Getting close to show time. I hope they start behaving.

P.S. I’m gonna start wearing short, mesh 80′s football jerseys that aren’t for any particular team, just to play fair.

The After Effects Of Moving On The Human Body

Posted on: February 3rd, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


If you read yesterday’s entry (which obviously you did), you would know that yesterday I completed two moves. Loaded and unloaded once, then immediately after that with my old apartment to my new place living with my girlfriend. Today my body is angry at all the lifting I did yesterday.

I may not be in the best of shape, but I’m not in the worst shape either. I feel like I’m in decent shape, but still today I’ve been walking around and carrying groceries, and I look like Woody from Toy Story when I lift anything. My body is upset at the lifting, so it’s decided to throw a little tantrum and make me walk around like a marionette from Thunderbirds. Seriously, even lifting my arms up to my laptop to type is taking far much more effort than it should.

This isn’t even an entry so much as a glorified status update or tweet. I’ve been stretching a bit today. But then I also saw The Doctor. Okay fine, I watched three episodes of Doctor Who. I’m still sore, but at least I’m entertained.

Regret level: Zero.

Who Says You Can’t Choose Your Family?

Posted on: February 2nd, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


I have had a helluva day. Last night I received a text message from my Dad’s, best friend’s son. Or as I more commonly refer to him, my cousin. He sent me a text last night asking if I could help him move into his new house. My answer of obviously, yes.

This seems to confuse some people, and that’s sad. They say, “But he barely gave you any notice!” To which I respond with, “He doesn’t need to.” This was a rare Saturday where I had no plans whatsoever. So why not help family? I know, technically we aren’t related. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t family.

Too often, people overlook their best friends and closest supporters because of some random family member that pops into the picture every year or whenever it’s convenient for them.  But then you get this situation where my Dad’s best friend and his wife, I introduce as my Aunt and Uncle. My Dad and my Uncle have been friends since they were nine years old. That was close to a millennia ago. They grew up and each owned a dinosaur. They rode them to school, and learned to write on their tablets. Stone tablets, but tablets none the less. The point is, this family is fantastic.

This is a family that moved my Dad to Sudbury. As in, they drove a U-Haul filled with my Dad’s possessions after working a full day of work, then helped unload that night, and the next morning. Then helped unpack for the weekend. This is a family that welcomed me into a house they rented in Florida, along with my Dad. It was one of, if not the best vacation I’ve ever been on.

So yes, I was happy to help today with any kind of notice. Now here’s the rest of why it’s great. They obviously have rental truck, and I was planning on renting a van on Tuesday to move in with my amazing girlfriend. I had the thought to myself, “Well maybe I can borrow their truck afterwards, and help pay for it as well. Depending on how long they have the truck for.”

My cousin Brad told me they had it until the morning. Well, they had it until before U-Haul opened, because it was due back anytime after close. Don’t even get me started on U-Haul and how crazy their policies are, I digress. Short story shorter, when I asked how long they had the truck for, I was asked, “Why? Do you want to go pick up your stuff today too?”

I figured after we were done with their move, I could drive the truck and pick up my stuff, then return the truck. I could have gone it alone. But Brad was having no part of that. He was going since 7am. We finally finished loading the truck, unloading at his new house, then driving to my old place, loading up and driving to my now home and unloading. By that time it was around 9pm. Fourteen hours he was moving. I offered to pay for the truck, he said no. They already paid for it, so it didn’t matter. I asked him to stop at the liquor store so I could buy some whiskey and wine. He obviously obliged. I bought him a $40 gift card, with a cover that said, “Especially For You,” in fancy typefont. I thought it was funny. Then while loading up my stuff, Brad took notice of my bookcases. I have two; my girlfriend has one that is the exact same. He asked where I got mine, and how much it was because he needed one for his new house. My girlfriend and I were struggling with how we were going to fit three bookcases in our house and not have it look cluttered, so I offered it to Brad. He said no again. I thought about throat punching the stubbornness out of him, but instead we loaded everything up.

While unloading at my new place, I simply said, “Oh that one is staying.” Referring to one of the bookcases. It’s funny that family is always wary to take money or things for helping each other out.

They say you can’t choose your family. I call malarkey. I’m sorry to be so vulgar, but it’s true. Sometimes your blood family can suck, but the family you choose can help you out in a jam, or invite you to Florida, or they can help you move after they just moved themselves.

High fives all around.

Busy Week! TV, Festival, Moving, Oh My!

Posted on: January 31st, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


I have no excuse. Yesterday, Thursday, I just forgot to write an entry. Do I quit? Do I make this one twice as long? No, I will keep going. Because Michael Caine said to a young Bruce Wayne, “Why do we fall down, Mister Wayne? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.”

I love that voice. ANYWAY, welcome to Friday! Here’s the thing guys: I’ve been incredibly busy, but in a good way. I’ve got a lot going on, and hopefully much more to follow.  Next week is going to be incredibly busy. Actually, starting tomorrow I’ll be on CBC Television. Well, if you live in Ottawa anyway. On a show called, “Our Ottawa.” It’s airing Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Following that on Monday, I’m closing out the show at Absolute Comedy in Ottawa. Tuesday, I move in with m’lady. She doesn’t know yet, but who doesn’t like surprises?! Wednesday, I’ll be in two places at once because of technology. I’ll be on George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight (check local listings), and then I’ll be on CBC’s LOL Show at the Cracking Up The Capital Festival. Thursday, I’ll be watching Carleton and University of Ottawa students Improv Battle each other, followed by an industry party. Friday will be hanging out with family and hanging out with festival friends. And finally on Saturday, I’ll be performing to a sold out crowd at the National Arts Centre. Close to three thousand people.

Exciting things! I’m pretty excited. Sorry if this seems like gloating, because it’s not. That being said, I’m going to promote the fact that I’ll be selling my comedy special at both shows for the festival. And since Cracking Up The Capital is in support of Mental Health causes, I’ll be donating 25% of ALL of my sales to the cause as well. So if you can make it out, please do! Come support a great fest for a great cause!

Plus, the closing gala also features Mary Walsh, Patrick McKenna and Rick Mercer. No pressure though!

A Man’s Guide To Digital Laughing

Posted on: January 30th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan

More and more, men need to express laughter via text message or other various online communication methods. As a man, this can be tricky. How do you laugh without coming across as girly, or like a jerk?

You first option is the obvious “lol.” What are you, twelve? Seriously, I can’t imagine being an adult male and thinking “lol” is an acceptable way to communicate laughter.  It also kind of says, “I’m not sure what to write, so here’s this… thing.

Secondly, you can write “hehe.” Seems like a great choice if you want to come across as creepy, and possibly sinister. It makes the reader feel uncomfortable. However, this may be the way to go if you want somebody to STOP texting you.

And lastly, the classic “haha.” Who doesn’t like “haha?” I’ll tell you who; women who think you’re mocking them. Apparently this can come across as condescending, and even make it seem like your Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons. That’s a great way to tell a woman you’re into her. Pointing and laughing gets all the ladies.

I guess what it comes down to is that we aren’t allowed to use anything. If you’re texting, call the girl. If you’re online, then make up your own laugh. Just write “hurhurhurhur.” because that’s what it sounds like when a burly man laughs.

Now who wants to see me do push-ups? LOL!

The Great Train Ride of 2014

Posted on: January 29th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


So, it finally happened. It took twenty-eight days, but it happened. I forgot to put up my daily entry. I had an idea of what to write about, and I’d love to give an excuse as to why it wasn’t posted, but that would just be to make myself feel justified for forgetting. Keep in mind, it’s now 1:27am, and I woke up in bed and had a “Home Alone” moment. You know what I mean; where you sit up frantically and yell, “BLOG!” or “KEVIN!” I hope child services doesn’t take my blog away. The point is, I may be late, but better late than never? You can decide if this counts.

Monday evening, I returned home after spending close to two weeks in Toronto doing shows. Before the train ride home, I decided to buy a lottery ticket in the hopes that I would win and not have to take a train with people on it ever again. When I asked to sit with a young man, he politely responded, “Of course!” He was around 25 years old. He was skinny, with dirty blond hair, glasses and a bit of that classic nerd to him. His face buried in a copy of the novelization of “Jumper,” based on the obvious Oscar robbed movie. I knew it would be an awkward trip when I put my coat in the overhead compartment, and my bag on the seat along with the lottery ticket from the pocket of my jacket, and immediately he chimed in a giant smile with, “Hey! Lottery ticket?” Like this somehow meant that if I were to win, I would obviously share it with this odd man sitting next to me. I didn’t win on the lottery ticket. I’m almost relieved.

The man just grew more into watching everything I did. I pulled on my laptop and checked my Facebook and emails. He didn’t just glance over like we’ve all been guilty of. He full blown leaned in, resting his weight on his arm rest and just perusing my screen. Not a fan. I brought up my writing file for which I bring to you this blog and he asked if I was a writer. I responded with, “No, it’s just for a blog.” I realize I missed an opportunity for a daily reader, but something tells me it’s probably safer that way.

I finished my blog entry and posted it, being quick to hide my name visible on the screen. I put my laptop away, put my earphones in, and pulled out a book. I might as well have been reading him a bedtime story. When earphones go in, it’s common practice to understand that a person would like to be left alone with your thoughts. I know I probably sound rude when I say all of this too. He was being very polite, but had no concept of personal space.

Halfway to Ottawa from Toronto we arrived in Kingston, and guess what? A seat opened up. Like the spawning of a clam containing a rare pearl, FOUR, yes four chairs opened up at the back of the train car. I seized the moment. I didn’t think. I just acted. It was the single greatest decision of my life. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but I had four seats to myself! Two front facing seats, and two rear facing seats became my own personal living room on this train. I waited until we pulled away from Kingston to set up shop. I sprawled all over those four seats like a cat does to a new scratch pad covered in catnip. It was fantastic.

Across the aisle from me, a mother was traveling with two young children. Her son, no more than 7, and daughter who was more than likely under 2 years old were my new travel companions. I didn’t speak with them at all, and I have to say, that mother did an amazing job. I don’t have any children, but I know it can be tough to get them into a car to go run errands. She managed to get TWO of them on a train, AND they were well behaved. It was incredible. The youngest had a couple little yelling fits, but nothing majorly disruptive.

I looked over and saw the mother having herself a beer. She definitely earned it. Your kids were being great, and you probably were under a lot of stress to have to travel alone with them. I was going to buy her next one if the cart came around again. Alas, it did not.

I thought I overheard them speak with an attendant that they were passing through to Montreal. Turns out right before I got off the train before the downtown Ottawa station, I wanted to do something to make the trip easier and burned them “The Amazing Spiderman.” The boy looked content watching movies the whole time, and who doesn’t love Spiderman.

I may have fibbed and told the mother I had a copy of the movie file and had no use for it on disc. But I didn’t want to be weird like my former seat-mate. As I got off the train, I was relieved to be home. But more importantly, I was realizing that once again I might have access to decent wifi. Seriously Via Rail, you need to get your internet together. Although, I do find it incredible you found a dial-up cable that stretches across an entire province.

And yet, I still look forward to the next time I have to take the train.

The Mandarin!

Posted on: January 27th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


Don’t let the title fool you. I’m not talking about the villain from Iron Man. I’m talking about the all you can eat buffet of gluttony goodness. Which is where I had lunch today before heading back to Ottawa on the train.

There are a couple of things wrong though. I’m not sure I’m ever going to eat again. I mean, I’m sure I will. But right now I feel like the morning after somebody gets incredibly blackout drunk, and then wakes up half drunk, half sick and says, “I’m NEVER drinking again.” Yeah, I bet. Good luck with that.

The Mandarin has got everything you ever want to eat. It’s a Chinese buffet that has Thai Food, Sushi, and of course, pizza and mashed potatoes. Obviously, I didn’t want to offend anybody, so I decided not to eat pizza and mashed potatoes. But only because I’m not sure I could eat either of those with chopsticks.

I’m sure you’re all wondering why I had four plates of food. Well, if you had ever been there before, you wouldn’t wonder that at all. My third plate was mainly sushi, dumplings and shrimp. Followed by my final plate of fruit with dessert topped with more dessert. The real reason is because starting tomorrow, I’m going to start a detox for the month. I’ve done it before, I lost weight, it was fantastic. This time around, my girlfriend and I will be doing the cleanse together. Which is great because the last time I did it, I faced a lot of ridicule for wanting to eat healthier. Jokes on them though, because I look fantastic in a bikini now!

Today was my last hurrah, so to speak. I indulged in all of the wonders that horrible for you, but delicious food has to offer. I’m looking forward to doing the cleanse though. It’ll be nice to have the extra motivation. I’m a self-starter by nature, but hey, the more the merrier! That’s it for today. I’m going to read for the majority of this train ride because the WiFi on Via Rail is slower than a mouth breather at a science fair.

Sunday Funday!

Posted on: January 26th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


I’ll be honest. I don’t feel like writing today. It’s Sunday, I’ve been doing shows all week, working during the day, visiting with friends I haven’t seen, and trying to make sure I have enough DVDs to get through the week. It’s all been great, but today I kind of feel as though I’d rather have mint chocolate chip ice cream than write this entry.

BUT, I said at the start of this that some entries might be short. But for now, just think… mint chocolate chip ice cream. And get ready for the next month of entries to be about going on a detox cleanse thing. It’s all healthy food. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

For now… I’m going to go find a Doctor Who sonic screwdriver that also doubles as a pen. Happy Sunday Funday everyone!