In a world where special effects, CGI and overpaid actors reign supreme, sometimes the best way to fully enjoy a movie is to watch an action movie from the 80’s, and possibly early 90’s.
Right now, I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop II, and Eddie Murphy is fantastic. Seriously, it’s just amazing. It might be one of the best movie characters ever. There’s even a poster on the wall in one scene for “Rambo: First Blood.” Think of how great some of the characters in 80’s action movies were? Eddie Murphy, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Pre-Crazy Mel Gibson, the list goes on.
If you can’t take joy away from a cheesy 80’s action movie, then I feel sorry for you. They’re everything great; comedy, action, and a slue of one-liners that people will be quoting for the rest of time. Think of it! That doesn’t happen anymore. “I’ll be back.” “Yippie Kay Yay.” “I’m getting’ too old for this.” The list goes on. They’re just entertaining. They aren’t trying to be anything more than that. They aren’t going for Oscar glory, they’re just fun.
Do you realize that Van Damme has a FINISHING MOVE? A goddamn FINISHING MOVE! He plays a different character in every movie, and yet somehow at the crucial moment, he majestically leaps into the air with the power of a thousand Michael Jordan’s, spins like Elvis Stojko, and delivers a nothing short of miraculous 360 degree crescent kick. And just in case for some reason you missed the best part of the movie, it’s replayed from every angle besides having a yet-to-be-invented GoPro camera strapped to his foot (which I would love to see). Just in case you still aren’t on board, that kick is so majestic, that Bolo Yeung took it once as the main bad guy “Chong Li” in Bloodsport, decided that kick was so nice, he needed it twice and took it AGAIN in Double Impact. The irony there kills me.
The Expendables are some the best action movies of modern cinema, because Sly remembered that people want cheese! Sweet, delicious, gooey, cheese! So many new action movies fail because they do things wrong, like let characters get into a car BEFORE they’re partner already starts driving it. Or NOT starting a gunfight in the middle of any crowded place and only hitting bad guys. If at some point, some pessimist watching doesn’t say, “OH, YEAH RIGHT!” Then you aren’t making your movie correctly.
I hope more action movies are made like The Expendables. Seriously, I would watch The Expendables 17, in which they plot to overthrow the crooked owner of the retirement residence they all live in. Even in Van Damme can’t walk, I bet he would still be able to do the splits. So at the very least, you can get that crescent kick from a scooter.
I will gladly watch a time traveling Rambo over anything by Michael Bay. Enough with the slow motion. Give me speed, bullets, car chases, one liners and mullets. Lots and lots of mullets.
Okay, I’m done writing. I’ve gotta go buy every 80’s action movie ever. American Ninja marathon anyone?