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Posts Tagged ‘Bitch’

How to Act Like an Idiot Audience Member

Posted on: January 18th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan

 

It’s Saturday! What to do? I know! How about make plans for next week? It’s the official launch of my DVD, “Make It A Double,” at Absolute Comedy in Toronto. Sure, I’ve been selling them this week too. But that’s just because I need to make sure they all work. That, and I’d like money for goods and services.

Last night, I had a woman in her late 50’s, early 60’s come up to me and basically berate me after the show. Why? No reason. She just walked up as I’m trying to sell my DVDs and starts yelling, “Who buys a DVD?! NOBODY! Nobody buys DVDs anymore! Do YOU have a DVD? Who even HAS a DVD player?! You should be going digital! Just online downloads! You’re young! Figure it out! Seriously, who buys a DVD?!”

My response was surprisingly calm. I just responded with, “This is Canadian comedy. Most people won’t remember the name of any of the comics by the time they get home. Also, I think people like to take something tangible home from time to time. But thank you for coming up to me in front of all the audience members and shitting on my dreams. I really appreciate that.”

You know when you’re filled with anger, and you want to be blunt and devastating to somebody? What I wanted to say was, “What if you go fuck a cactus? Or would your desert of a vagina just encourage it to grow bigger?” But I did not. I just said, “Thanks for coming!”

I still sold a few copies, but who goes out of their way to dump on the hard work of somebody else? How shitty is your miserable life that you feel the need to stand in front of my merch table and berate my work? I don’t come to your job and constantly inform you of all the horrible life choices you’ve made, and that’s why you’re working some shitty job, hating your life and everyone in it.

Don’t get me wrong; I know some people should always wear a helmet. And I laughed about it after she was gone. I just wonder if she does this all the time to make her feel better. Does she stand in front of hot dog carts and start yelling, “YOU NEED TO HAVE BIGGER DOGS AND SMALLER BUNS!” Either way, I just wanted to vent.

I don’t think it’s best to go eye for an eye, and killing with kindness is a tactic I’m trying to utilize in situations like this. You know, evil begets evil, with great power comes great responsibility. If I went off, she would probably cry. And I’m better than that. But in the back of my mind, I’m still pretending to whisper into my sleeve, “Take the shot.”