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Posts Tagged ‘Malls’

Our Sizes Fit Differently: The Joy of Shopping.

Posted on: February 4th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


Most men don’t like shopping. I’m no exception. I would love to go shopping if the mall was empty, and an automatic checkout replaced every employee. I’m just tired of dealing with vanity sizing, and employees that have no human life skills.

I’m sure this has happened to everybody before. You know what size you are, and you go into a store, grab a pair of pants and then oddly enough they fit like clown pants or a sausage casing. This happened to me, and when I said, “I’m usually a 32.” I was told, “Well, our sizes fit differently.” Really? …Really? How arrogant does a store have to be to change the sizes of the universe? The number is 32! You can’t just change 32 as you see fit.

If I went into Home Depot and asked them to cut me a 32 inch 2×4, and they cut it 30 inches and said, “Our cuts are different here,” I would NEVER pay for that. If you’re going to change a universal size, why even use a number? You’re making shit up anyway, you might as well go all out. “Excuse me, do you have this in a size oxygen? I used to be a size lasagna, but I lost some weight recently.”

Get your shit together retail stores. This bothers me, and I can’t imagine what it does to the already fragile adolescent female psyche while shopping. It’s to the point that you’re confusing women so much that they don’t ever want to come out of the change room. Women will try on a million things, but never come out and show you. Instead, they poke their head out like the Guard of The Emerald City of Oz, and you have to go to them. It messes with people’s minds when you change the sizing on them. A size that normally fits, ends up with a mild panic attack. “Look how tight this shirt is. You can see my nipples. And look at my belly. There’s NO way I’m buying this!”

I can’t imagine the social pressures that women face with regards to image. This is one of those cases I’m glad to be a man. In the same situation, I’ll jump out of a change room and proudly exclaim, “Look how tight this shirt is! You can see my nipples! And look at this belly! Haha… I’m totally buying this.”

Okay, I probably wouldn’t buy it. But you get the idea.

And for the love of cripes, can somebody please teach retail employees how humans ACTUALLY interact with one another? I was trying on jackets at Danier Leather, and the employee asked how we were doing today. Then, as if I was a mute, she kept asking my girlfriend questions aimed at me:

“What is he looking for today?”“How does he like this jacket?”

“Is he looking for a particular style?”

After trying to avoid this employee for fifteen minutes, my girlfriend, who has the patience of a monk, almost yelled, “Why don’t you ask HIM?!”

Part of me felt like I was in the opposite role of that shopping scene in Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts. It was one of those scenarios where the retail employees hound you so much that you leave the store. That’s the most powerful you can feel in a store, is throwing down clothes and saying, “Yeah, I’m done here.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Winners.

The Mall-ing Dead

Posted on: January 12th, 2014 by brendanmckeigan


Happy Saturday, everybody! Unless you were in the mall today, then please, learn how to walk. Perhaps read a book on spatial awareness and social etiquette.

On three separate occasions today, I was looking at an item and had somebody walk right in front of me and start perusing the merchandise as if I wasn’t there. I’m not sure what’s worse; knowing somebody else is looking at something you want to look at and stepping right in front of them, or NOT knowing somebody else is looking at something you want to look at because you’re too daft to realize it. (Yes, I said daft. I’ve been watching a lot of BBC lately.)

There should be traffic lights for people in the mall too. How great would it be if the person in front you had brake lights so you knew they were going to suddenly stop for no reason? Or blinkers to alert people when they were going to throw themselves into foot traffic without looking? Much like Bart’s utility belt (which is way better than your cord, man). But seriously, how do you NOT know somebody is there. How bad is your peripheral vision that you don’t notice somebody who is already in FRONT of you?

When did shopping become a free-for-all event? You know, besides Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Why can’t people say, “Excuse me?” As much as people say that the young generation is to blame, please take note. Every SINGLE time I was faced with a rude shopper today, they were older. Not “get off my lawn” crotchety old, but baby boomer age.

On a more positive note, I was in a store for younger folk. Not for ruffians, but those good young’uns that are up on wearing the latest do-dads and whatcha-ma-thingers. I heard three people in one store today all say sorry to each other within the span of two seconds. Then they all made out. Okay, the last part didn’t happen. But the point is, saying, “Pardon me,” to somebody goes a long way. I will be more than happy to accommodate you. But just stepping in front of me and trying to box me out like an NBA player fighting for a rebound, just makes me want to Ron Artest your face like it was the Palace of Auburn Hills.

Play nice!